Associated Grape Press (ha-ha… get it?)
In a stunning and bizarre turn of events today, Pennsylvania has repealed Prohibition, thus ending years of tyrannical and strict governance over the sale and distribution of alcohol within the Commonwealth.
Upon reports of the repeal, elated Pennsylvanians stormed the Harrisburg, PA offices of the state-run monopoly Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB), dismantling the building and retaining small pieces of its edifice to keep as mementos of the historic occasion. A confused and inebriated State Governor Ed Rendell, believing the events to be related to an Eagles football pep rally, attempted to lead the crowd in a rendition of Eagles fight song “Fly Eagles Fly” before vomiting on himself, and then passing out.
At the state borders, heart-rending and tearful reunions between state residents and their beloved bottles of previously unavailable wine took place, as both were finally free to legally cross state lines without fear of incarceration or retribution.
The repeal was the result of a strange cascade of events in which the increasingly complicated rules and laws protecting the PLCB imploded in on themselves.
As former PLCB CEO Joe Conti explained, “Well, we thought that we’d try to continue our balladromic move towards making the PLCB and the state of Pennsylvania a Communist institution. To that end, we realized that the PLCB actually belonged to the People of the Commonwealth, so naturally we turned control of the PLCB over to the People, in order to completely fulfill the Communist manifesto. Quite simle, really.”
Once the Commonwealth’s citizens were informed that they now controlled the PLCB, they promptly disbanded the institution, thus ending nearly 90 years of monopolized alcohol control in the state.
When asked what he would do now that the PLCB had been disbanded, former CEO Conti replied, “Well, I guess I’ll have a drink. There’s a sweet Oregon Pinot I’ve been dying to try, but until now the PLCB laws had made it too expensive for them to sell here…”
Govenor Ed Rendell was understandably unavailable for comment…
Comments
17 responses to “Pennsylvania Repeals Prohibition!”
huh – edumucate me wine dude…
Who, me? Edumacate? No way, man…
Happy April Fool's and congratulations on the collaborative piece. West Side Story didn't let down.
Wait, this is an April Fool's Joke?! MAN! I was so excited.
Woohoo! Let's celebrate that with a bottle of Pinot Chocolat!
http://winecase.wordpress.com/2009/04/01/pinot-ch…
Another shocking development: PA liquor stores are now open on SUNDAYS!
God, how I wish that this were really true!
This just in from the PLCB… do NOT, repeat, do NOT under ANY circumstances, travel from PA to any neighboring states to purchase wine with better selection, superior service, and for less money…. repeat DO NOT……
This just in from the PLCB… do NOT, repeat, do NOT under ANY circumstances, travel from PA to any neighboring states to purchase wine with better selection, superior service, and for less money…. repeat DO NOT……
Not living in PA any longer (since 1970) The headline caught me off guard and almost forgot what day it was.
On a related note NY Assembly just voted down a bill to allow sales of wine in grocery stores (no joke here)
Another "victory" for the citizens of NY… :-(
This is funny – after delivering countless samples to me, FedEx has informed me today that I cannot pick up a shipment of wine samples sent to me from NJ, because it contains alcohol and their policy is not to ship alcohol into PA. This is after their 3rd delivery attempt of the same package.
So, FedEx is also totally and completely confused by the "laws" in PA, if by "laws" we mean "unconstitutional protection of state monopoly position."
The PLCB should kiss my white ass, mow my lawn, and pay me a dollar when they're done for all the trouble!
Do other states really have superior wine selections for cheaper? I thought the wine selection in PA was pretty good, and cheap? Liquor is another story though.
Yes, many do. But that's only part of the picture.
The other part is a potentially unconstitutional state-run monopoly that passes blatantly anti-consumer law in order to protect its monopoly position. That is not Capitalism. That is closer to Communism.
Keep fighting the good fight! As a wine sales professional, I have had many frustrating moments with the PLCB.
Wine will prevail!
Only in a state such as PA would they pass alcohol laws more punitive than narcotics. Sadly….if I'm caught with an open container in public (even without ingesting any), the punishment is harsher than if I'm caught sucking on a crack pipe on the steps of the Capital building….
Remind me again, why do any of us live here? Sure isn't our politicians.
Well, just_tired, we have really nice parks. And great beer (sold at establishments that get raided by armed forces)!