As my twitter friends are already (painfully) aware, I’ve been sick for the better part of two weeks.  What began as a bout with either a bad cold or a mild flu became a full-on assault from a (very) nasty case of bronchitis.  Fever, coughing, meds, antibiotics, and definitely no wine.

It was suggested to me by a few folks via twitter that I should write about the experience of my forced abstinence.  Initially I was hesitant, because no one wants to read about somebody hacking up brown goo, getting no sleep, and taking various meds – well, maybe only medical students, and they’re sure to find more interesting (read: more virulent, nasty and violent) cases than mine.

I promise no references to sticky brown lung goo.  Or does that last sentence count?

Anyway… truth be told, I needed the break from booze, because I’ve been doing too much wine drinking and not enough wine tasting, and that was seriously messing with my cholesterol numbers.  But little did I know that my 12 days of forced abstinence would involve codeine, glam-metal icons KISS, and actual gratitude towards my illness. 

I am serious about the gratitude.  And about KISS.  And the Humpty Dance.  This will all make sense in a minute or two… or maybe not, I dunno, I was pretty hopped up on some codeine meds.

So, here it is, because you asked for it – my pseudo-diary from “The 12 Days of Abstinence!”…

Day 1: Participate in On-line Wines of Chile Carmenere tasting, mostly because it will be a cool event and extremely rude to back out at this point.  Spit every drop, which is the equivalent to cruel and unusual self-punishment.

Day 2: Reschedule wine reviews for the week after realizing that any beverage will simply taste like snot.  Turn down tasting events.  Lie to yourself that this will “all be over with soon enough.’”

Day 3: Run out of tissues attempting (in vain) to stem tide of brown goo (whoops!  sorry!) evil nasal mucus spawn. 

Day 4: Review recap. of amazing foodbuzz.com blogger festival in San Fran, which can be followed live via twitter since you aren’t sleeping anyway.  Become starving in middle of the night due to pictures and real-time descriptions of incredible food and Bonny Doon wines.  Contemplate punching yourself in the head repeatedly until you pass out so that you can get some rest, but abandon plan when you realize that would actually require having physical strength.  Sob uncontrollably.

Day 5: Become scapegoat for any twitter friends who are now also sick [email protected] is spreading twitter germs!”  Entertain temporary fear that if female twitter friends become pregnant, that you will somehow also be implicated.  Draft “it wasn’t me!” tweets, just in case.

Day 6: Realize (yet again) how amazing some other wine blogs really are, and appreciate their authors’ talents for being able to convey the essence of wines without you actually having the opportunity to taste them (the wines, not the authors).

Day 7: Realize that not only is wine out of the question, but antibiotics are going to be needed.  Sigh.  Take codeine meds prescribed by nice medical professional.  Start to have thoughts that are not entirely normal.  Realize that your nose is on fire from blowing it every 25 seconds, and it needs protection, like that guy Humpty from Digital Underground had covering his nose. Sing a song.  Maybe a song like this:

My nose is big, uh-uh, I’m not ashamed
Big like a pickle, I’m still gettin’ paid
I get laid by the ladies, ya know I’m in charge,
both how I’m livin’ and my nose is large!
I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid,
I use a word that don’t mean nothin’, like looptid
I sang on Doowhutchalike, and if ya missed it,
I’m the one who said just grab ’em in the biscuit!
Also told ya that I like to bite
Well, yeah, I guess it’s obvious, I also like to write.
All ya had to do was give Humpty a chance
and now I’m gonna do my dance!

Day 8: “And on the 8th Day… God created Rock N’ Roll!” – KISS, from Lick It Up (told you we’d get KISS involved in there…).

Day 9: Unpack wine samples, read enclosed material about meticulously crafted, low-production CA wine.  Drool.  Weep.  Repeat sequence.  Take more codeine meds.

Day 10: Stay in bed, on steady diet of codeine meds.  Discuss the real meaning of lyrics from Beatles’ album Revolver with Paul Newman, Einstein and Jesus Christ in dream.   Premature enlightenment attained.

Day 11: Acceptance of reality of being sick achieved, but only because antibiotics are taking effect and fever is down.  Drat.

Day 12: Offer up sincere gratitude to the Universe for having been sick, as this has highlighted the miracle of actually being able to use your sense of smell, and thus appreciate wine.  And it really is a bit of a miracle, isn’t it?  Have a beer (but only one) to celebrate a moment of actual enlightenment.

Cheers!