How to Bitchslap Your Wine-Monopolizing Legislators

Vinted on April 1, 2010 binned in best of, commentary, wine shipping

[Editor’s Note: this is a little ditty for those of you who, like the editor, live in one of the many U.S. states that prohibit the direct sale and/or shipping of wine.  Enjoy!]

Bitchslapping your state legislator is not a simple matter.  In fact, it’s fraught with potential pitfalls.

What  if your legislator is bigger than you are?  What if s/he tries to bitchslap you back? What would my mother think of this? etc.

A proper bitchslap needs to be delivered decisively and confidently.  Therefore, it’s vitally important not to let minor concerns, like personal safety and the threat of incarceration, get into the way of a good bitchslapping.  So, buck and let’s continue, shall we?

A proper bitchslap also need to be delivered firmly.  Which is why it’s often less effective to deliver the bitchslap by hand, and more effective to deliver the bitchslap via proxy.  Which is not to say that it is delivered by someone else, but is to say that use of a prop is always in good form, especially when the prop delivers enough noise and bodily pain upon striking the other person’s face to be embarrassing , but not enough to permanently injure the bitchslappee (apart from the bitchslappee’s pride, that is).  The prop therefore should be heavy enough to inflict the above damage but flexible and light enough for the bitchslapper to wield effectively and adroitly.

You may have already guessed that a printed book or stack of paper of proper thickness and quality material would be an ideal prop for the bitchslapper to wield, and you’d be correct in that assessment.

Which is why I recommend the following simple steps for properly bitchslapping your wine-monopolizing state legislator…

  1. Print out a copy of the U.S. Constitution (double-sided).
  2. Print out a copy of Tom Wark’s fabulous and well-written “Manifesto for Change in the Wine Industry” (PDF format available here – single sided).
  3. Staple the printed materials together (note: this may require an industrial stapler).
  4. Wield the combined print out so that you are gripping the stapled corner of the documents, allowing for flexibility in the movement of the pages but providing enough rigidity that the document retains its overall shape rectangular shape.
  5. Lean over your legislator’s desk, while simultaneously lifting your striking arm in a high arc backward over your shoulder.  The documents should be above and behind your head and the shoulder of your striking arm.  Note: you may need to kneel or stand on your legislator’s desk, depending on the whether or not the bitchslappee is seated, or is a person of above-average height, etc.).
  6. Bring your striking arm down forcefully so that your arm crosses back your the front of your body but your shoulder remains relatively stable; your shoulder blade should NOT also cross over the front of your body or you might lose your balance!  The thrust of your striking arm should be timed so that, at the apex of the downward trajectory of your arm, the documents retain their rectangular shape and administer a loud slapping sound across the maximum surface area of the bitchslappee’s face.  Remember to aim as if you are striking “through” your target’s head.
  7. Gloat.







  • Charlie Olken

    Good morning, my son. I was reading (oh the shame of it all) someone else's blog this morning, and frankly, I am glad that I did. I learned that you are taking over for Steve Heimoff at WE and that you are also taking over for Jim Laube at WS (although apparently under the nom de plume of Chauncey the Gardener). So, I guess congratulations are in order. But beware, my son, Heimoff has more lives than Andy Blue, and he might just arise, Phoenix-like, from the ashes of those overly charry oak-barrels that all wine journalists live in.

    • Tim

      too funny Charles!

  • 1WineDude

    Thanks, Dad! Always trying to make you proud!

    I'll make sure to invest in some fire extinguishers for those Phoenix-like ashes…

  • @WineHarlots

    Words a weapons, and using the Constitution as a bludgeon. You go, Joe!

    • 1WineDude

      Thanks – manifestos make for good bitch-slappin! :-)

  • @norcalwingman

    Wine Bible may also be of adequate girth to produce proper effect!

  • Tone

    I prefer adding a lot of heavy duty industrial staples to the document.

    • 1WineDude


  • 1WineDude

    And it's flexible in paperback! :)

  • EaglesNestWine

    This is an ongoing topic I'd rather not see or Twit about, or have to deal with as a shipping winery… i.e. Free the Grapes! BTW see

    Watching the ongoing tide of money and political influence (read distributors) surge against consumer rights (read the people) is tiring and disappointing – but money rules in this nation and sadly you buy your own justice.

    Great post Joe ( & also Tom Wark's Manifesto ) have Tweeted both. DRG

    • 1WineDude

      Thanks! I'm firmly in the Jonathan Swift / use-satire-to-incite-change camp…

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