LODI ZINFANDEL ATTACKS TOKYO!
Crowds flee for their lives as “Gluttzilla” menace destroys theme park.
Tokyo defenses “only stir its already considerable anger.”
July 8th, 2009 – Tokyo
A powerfully alcoholic wine emerged from the basement depths of downtown Tokyo wine and liquor shop Tanakaya today, breathing fire and staging a level of destruction not seen in the city since 1954, when the lizard-like menace Godzilla attacked the city and died (along with all other nearby sea life) under mysterious circumstances in Tokyo Bay, reports the IP (Inebriated Press).
Hundreds of local residents are reported missing, and damage to city buildings, public transportation systems, and electrical infrastructure reportedly will “easily reach into the several billions [of dollars]” said Japanese Defense Minister Hamada.
The rogue wine has been positively identified as the powerful and highly potent 2006 vintage of “Gluttony” Lodi Zinfandel from California wine producer Michael~David. It’s unclear at this time if the monstrous wine bottle was angrily disturbed from its slumber by the passing of trains at nearby Mejiro station, or if it became enraged at receiving a 77 point rating in the June 30 2009 issue of Wine Spectator.
What is clear is that at approximately 1:35 PM Tokyo time today, the enormous Gluttony Zinfandel emerged from Tanakaya and began to destroy nearly everything in its wake, leveling buildings with ease and burning down an amusement part en route to the bay nearby, where “Gluttzilla” (as it has been dubbed by the local press) seemingly took refuge beneath the waves and has not been seen since…
During its rampage of downtown Tokyo, “Gluttzilla” razed at least 6 high-rise buildings, flattened a train depot used for industrial goods transport, felled several electrical towers, and burned down an amusement park using “alcohol breath that burned like a fire” as reported by one eye witness.
Almost as frightening as the wine’s alcohol volume is how quickly it managed to send the city into near-total chaos. From the time of its emergence downtown until its disappearance under the waves of the bay, only 32 minutes had passed – during which the wine managed to cause billions of dollars of damage and sent scores of terrified Tokyo residents and visitors fleeing for their lives.
“Very little time was available to mount an attack against the wine,” noted Defense Minister Hamada during an emergency press conference held less than one hour after the attack. “What military force we were able to bring to bear on the wine was not effectual and seemed only to stir its already considerable anger. We are concentrating now on what to do to keep the city safe from a future attack. Obviously, we had no forewarning.”
Hamada’s statement that Tokyo had little warning of the danger of the Lodi Zinfandel has been challenged in the press, particularly by wine bloggers. One blogger from the United States, speaking under condition of anonymity, pointed out that “the Gluttony Zin is huge… it’s well known that it’s a bit of a beast, and at 16.5% abv… well, it’s only a matter of time before something like that breaks loose and causes damage.”
After the press conference, Japan deployed several destroyers on an intercept course to the Zinfandel’s last known location in the bay.
“We can only now wait, and hope and pray that the wine’s anger has subsided,” concluded Hamada.
Gluttony wine producers from Michael~David, so far maintaining silence and issuing no comments about the events in Tokyo, are believed to have retreated to a secret underground bunker in the CA foothills.
(images: lodivineyards.com, prodos.com, mod.go.jp)