Special Report from the Inebriated Press
Pennsylvania Governor-elect Tom Corbett today issued a public plea to the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board to “immediately and indefinitely suspend” its plans to expand grocery store installations statewide of its new wine kiosk dispensers. Corbett wants all activity on the PLCB kiosk machines shut down “until allegations of the kiosks are abducting grocery store shoppers can be properly and thoroughly investigated.”
Corbett’s plea was prompted by several recent reports of missing persons last seen at three Pennsylvania grocery store locations where PLCB wine kiosks have been installed. At first, state police investigations of the alleged abductions were moving slowly, but recent eyewitness reports from the grocery stores involved have turned the tide of the investigations towards the bizarre.
“I know what I saw, and I know it sounds crazy… but strange blue laser beams came out of that thing and totally vaporized the guy trying to buy wine!” reads one anonymous eyewitness testimony describing events that happened to one of the missing persons, who was last seen purchasing wine from a PLCB kiosk…