[Editor's Note: this is a little ditty for those of you who, like the editor, live in one of the many U.S. states that prohibit the direct sale and/or shipping of wine. Enjoy!]
Bitchslapping your state legislator is not a simple matter. In fact, it’s fraught with potential pitfalls.
What if your legislator is bigger than you are? What if s/he tries to bitchslap you back? What would my mother think of this? etc.
A proper bitchslap needs to be delivered decisively and confidently. Therefore, it’s vitally important not to let minor concerns, like personal safety and the threat of incarceration, get into the way of a good bitchslapping. So, buck and let’s continue, shall we?
A proper bitchslap also need to be delivered firmly. Which is why it’s often less effective to deliver the bitchslap by hand, and more effective to deliver the bitchslap via proxy. Which is not to say that it is delivered by someone else, but is to say that use of a prop is always in good form, especially when the prop delivers enough noise and bodily pain upon striking the other person’s face to be embarrassing , but not enough to permanently injure the bitchslappee (apart from the bitchslappee’s pride, that is). The prop therefore should be heavy enough to inflict the above damage but flexible and light enough for the bitchslapper to wield effectively and adroitly.
You may have already guessed that a printed book or stack of paper of proper thickness and quality material would be an ideal prop for the bitchslapper to wield, and you’d be correct in that assessment.
Which is why I recommend the following simple steps for properly bitchslapping your wine-monopolizing state legislator…